I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
