my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
