Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Randomize
