Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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