I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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