Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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