dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Such a big mess for such a small penis
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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