i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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