I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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