happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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