please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
