Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Randomize
