Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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