Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
