I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
