The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
