I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Randomize
