You really coming over, don't trick.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
