I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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