'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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