Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
