Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
