You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
My nipple is on Facebook.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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