Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
