I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
So much rum. So many feels.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
