Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
whose ass print is on the piano?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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