Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
