That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
