I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
