Is it normal to miss your booty call?
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
