I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
