Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
