I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
