Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
When did angry sex become our thing?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
