Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
