I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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