please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
