I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Randomize
