my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
