Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
