So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
