I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Randomize
