textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
