Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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