god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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