having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
