I wish I could punch you in the face.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
