You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
