I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
