bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
