I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
